I try to ask myself when things changed in my life. Was it graduating from college, moving away from home, graduating from grad school, or the birth of my son. Somewhere through all this, I lost me. The vibrant, outgoing, social, carefree person I always was. The sun was shining in my life and slowly the light started to flicker, dim and eventually went out. You would think with all the changes that occurred I would be happy. I earned my degrees, I had my own apt and car and now I’m a mother. But for some reason, this did not happen.
I have to be honest with myself, I’m not happy about being a mother. It’s so difficult to write that, but it’s the truth. I never wanted children until I was marriage (and even that was questionable). I allowed myself to be a statistic. Another single black mother. My family beat me up about my decision to have my son. I was everything from stupid to irresponsible. WTF!! I’m doing something with my life and I’m all these horrible things for deciding to have my child. And let’s not talk about the verbal beat down my son’s father gave me. Your just doing this because you want me back, you know I don’t want children, I don’ even like you why you going to have a baby. I spent many days and nights crying because I had no one in my corner. I went to the abortion clinic 3 times to just end the agony and pain my pregnancy was causing me. I was emotional drained. Every time I went, I would see women who looked sad and in pain due to the decision they were making or made. I remember being in the room and talking to the nurse and them telling me the procedure. I remember asking a million questions about the process. Every time, I broke down and started crying, because I knew I couldn’t go through with it. After the third time, I knew what my heart wanted me to do. I had him, my baby boy. I can’t say it was a joyous event. My family was there, but the comments were still there. And my son’s father, well, that’s another story in itself.
It’s so hard to acknowledge this. I’m unhappy about decisions I chose to make with my life. What if I chose not to have my son? Would I be happy? Would I still smile and mean it? Would I still laugh and enjoy life? How do I find the person I use to be while being something I never wanted to be?